Battle of the bulge.

Ideal body shape for starting expedition.
Note: It's not me - thanks Google for the pic.

In a day and age where Australians are topping out the scales as some of the heaviest and chubbiest people in the world it feels quite paradoxical to be doing all I can to gain weight in a hurry. 

Our dehydrator is busily humming away, crisping up just about anything we can find that'll give us energy during the trip. Unfortunately, to jam the amount of food we need into the tiny kayak storage space that we have available, just about everything from spaghetti bolognese to banana bread is being reduced to a grainy, dry powder. Texture, in this case, is one luxury we simply can't afford. 

Given these conditions, I fully expect that we'll be rapidly burning up all the extra energy we have carefully stored away in our adipose tissue (our 'Christmas cheer'). We'll be losing weight faster than a liposuction patient and we need to draw out our demise for as long as possible. 

While we still have access to the daily smorgasbord we westerners so often take for granted, Lain and I need to gain weight. This is a concept unfamiliar to me. I generally drink as much beer as I can, eat pretty much whatever I want, dig way too deeply into the Nutella jar and still stay basically the same weight all the time. Fortunately, just like the contestants on a TV show, I have a trainer!

My brother in law, Ian (he's nee a man, he's an eating machine!) has spent the last week teaching me that I do need another slice, I must have the biggest portion, I deserve the last three biscuits, that fruit is disappointingly low in fat and that you can cut butter slices thicker than cheese. 

I'm sure our bodies will find a skinny balance during the trip, where we'll have used up all the good stuff but we need the rest just to keep us paddling. I expect to go hungry quite often so while I have this chance I'm rummaging through the fridge as often as I can and forcing in the last few crumbs off every plate. 

I'm pretty sure I won't be on The Biggest Loser any time soon.